i can't.

i can't handle this.
i can't deal with life.
i have no motivation.
i just want to sleep all day.
lay down and act like im fine,
put on the fake face
so no one questions me.
i just want to be okay again.
i want my smile to be real.
i have the best things in my life.
i have wonderful friends.
an amazing boyfriend.
i just want to smile again,
and no its real...

sweet.

I'm trying really hard to get help for my depression. i really am. but it's hard. it's hard learning that i can trust people again. that i do have people around me that actually care about me. i've learned people who walk out aren't worth it. they clearly were not meant to be in my life. everything happens for a reason, i'm a firm believer in that.clearly the shit that i've been through lately has just happened to make me stronger and to make me realize what and who is important in my life. i've realized that maybe i should cut some people out of my life, the ones who bring me down. and i should be open to new people entering my life. I am truly happy with who is in my life right now. yeah some tough shit has happened. but let's be honest, everyone has a story. some people have been through worse than me. some people haven't and they've been lucky. you can't understand everyone's past, and they can't understand yours. I mean, i realized i need help because i have no reason to be depressed. my depression is because of a chemical inbalance, not because of a significant event. So i need help so i can fix it. but lets be honest from the outside before sunday, i looked like i had the perfect life. parents that cared. a boyfriend who i love. best friends that would drop anything to be there for me. i live in a nice neighborhood. i have a brother that actually cares about me. i have a job. i mean it's not like we're poor. But. sometimes you can't help but just be sad. i can't help it. no matter what comes into my life that should make me happy, i can't help but look at the glass half empty. and i always ALWAYS brace myself for everyone to hurt, or leave. it's what everyone has done in the past so what has changed now? but i am working on that. I'm trying to be a positive polly.

On the other hand i was reading my favorite book: perks of being a wallflower.
and there are two quotes that i'd like to share.
1. things change, friends leave, and life doesn't stop for anybody.
this is one of the truest statements i have ever read in my life. Sometimes you just got to suck up and realized life changes but it's not gonna stop because you're upset.

2. And at the moment, i swear, we were infinate.
The first two times i read this book, i couldn't understand that feeling. i didn't know what the author meant nor did i ever think i would experience that feeling.
well i have. and if i could of just stayed there and held on to that feeling forever i would of. i was not worrying about anything. i just felt like nothing could touch or hurt me. it was wonderful.

rewind?

wheres the rewind button in life?i just want to go back. take back Tuesday night. Go back to a time when i was truly happy. before i worried about every little thing. I am not hurting the people i love, and that;s just making me hurt more. how do you tell the one person you care most about that you're not okay? how do you tell them that they make you so incredibly happy, but at the same time you're not happy with your life at all? How do you tell him that your depression is getting out of hand and you don't know how to deal anymore. It's hard opening up to someone when you feel like you've been alone for three years. every person i have opened up to has left me. I'm terrified to open up to him because it could result the same. i can't lose anyone else. i don't think i could handle it. I just want my life to be good again. I want to be happy about all the good things I have going for me... but i can't...

awesome.

it's a breakdown.
there's nothing left to lose,
so let it all out.
it doesn't matter if people judge anymore.
all my secrets are out.
i don't care.
i know i need help,
and my body is screaming for it,
but no one ever seems to answer.
i just want to be okay again,
i want someone hold me,
and tell me everything
will be fine in the end.
it will all work out.
life always does.
but no one seems to be able to tell me that
i know they all care.
but sometimes its hard.
i've been dealing with this since i was 16
i dealt with it fine.
i cant open up to people
because every time i do
they get freaked out and leave.
i cant lose anyone else.
i cant...

it's been a rough couple of days. but i'm trying to get help. i just want to be okay again. to be able to smile without hiding something... why cant that happen?

well sweet.

well let me tell you. my mom is freaking awesome. i went to kenton this weekend with my boyfriend. the whole way home my mom was texting me and telling me what a horrible daughter i am. according to her i am bipolar and i am the worst daughter ever. a disappointment. I am probably one of the best teenagers by farrrr. i don't partyyy all the time. i am a good kid and try really hard despite my depression and my chronic anxiety. my mom is making me pay rent. now for my friend's birthday party this weekend, i will not have money for the limo or the dinner, so i have to sit at home until the actual party. its stupid. she says im choosing him over my family. but it has nothing to do with my boyfriend. the only person it has to do with is her and her critisizing me and always telling me how i mess up constantly. i hate being home. and my mom thinks it's because im always with my boyfriend which im not. i see him like twice a weeek. and my friends and my boyfriend treat me ten times bettter than my family does. my dad blames everything that goes wrong in his life on me. he even admits it. my mom blames her failing relationship and the fact that she hates her life is my fault. im over it.... i have a good life. i don't care what she says.